ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX.
SHAKE IT, DUDE.
[ ?????? ]
950.
OOH-H, YEAH.
975.
[ Moaning ]
980. 985.
[ Groaning ] 990.
[ Gasping ]
995. 997.
998. [ Grunt ]
1,000! AH-H!
[ Groaning ]
1,003!
OH! OH! YES SIR!
[ Chuckle of triumph ]
OVER 1,000 SELF- SATISFIED CUSTOMERS.
AND WE'RE OUT.
WHOO!
[ Panting ] OH-H.
Ted: ALL RIGHT. Emmett: AH-H-H.
YOU TAKE TEN,
AND THEN WE WILL START...
ROUND THREE. OH, NO CAN DO.
[ Clearing of throat ] HONEY, MY DICK'S DOWN FOR THE COUNT.
HMMM. LISTEN NOW,
THERE ARE A LOT OF FANS OUT THERE
WHO ARE WANTING TO SEE YOU GO FOR THE RECORD.
THE RECORD?
SET BY THE LEGENDARY PETER POUNDER.
HE ONCE CAME 6 TIMES IN 45 MINUTES.
6 TIMES IN 45 MINUTES?
I HAVEN'T DONE THAT SINCE I WAS 18.
WELL THEN,
DON'T YOU WORRY YOUR PRETTY LITTLE DICK ABOUT IT.
TWICE IN 30 MINUTES IS VERY...
RESPECTABLE.
RESPECTABLE?
REV UP THE WEB CAM, BOYS.
WE'RE GOING FOR THE GOLD.
ATTABOY, CHAMP.
[ ?????? ]
AND WE'RE LIVE.
[ ?????? ]
[ Closing of door ]
I MADE YOU SAUSAGE AND PEPPERS,
AND I DON'T WANT TO HEAR A GODDAMNED WORD ABOUT IT.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU, I'D PROBABLY STARVE TO DEATH.
WELL, AS THE MOTHER OF A FUTURE CAPTAIN OF INDUSTRY,
I COULDN'T VERY WELL LET THAT HAPPEN.
WELL, I DON'T WANT TO BURST YOUR BUBBLE, MOM, BUT...
I'M NOT EXACTLY GONNA BECOME A GAZILLIONAIRE SELLING COMICS.
EVERYBODY HAS TO START SOME- WHERE, SWEETHEART,
AND YOU'VE STARTED. THAT'S WHAT'S IMPORTANT.
I'M SO PROUD OF YOU, MICHAEL.
YOU'VE TURNED OUT TO BE QUITE A MAN.
CHEW YOUR FOOD.
HEY. Ben: HEY.
UH... I WAS IN THE NEIGHBOURHOOD.
UM, YOU LEFT THIS AT MY PLACE.
HIS PLACE?
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE GETTING LAID.
GOOD FOR YOU.
I'M HIS MOTHER. YES.
I REMEMBER. OH.
HE REMEMBERS ME.
YOU'RE A LITTLE HARD TO FORGET.
AND FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I DIDN'T GET LAID.
OH. TOO BAD.
WELL...
I HAVE TO GET BACK TO THE DINER.
IT'S NICE SEEING YOU AGAIN.
BETTER LUCK THIS TIME.
Debbie: [ Chuckle ] BYE.
[ Closing of door ]
THAT IS SOME KIND OF MOTHER YOU GOT THERE.
YOU DON'T KNOW THE HALF.
[ Chuckling ] YEAH. I'D LIKE TO.
AND, I'D LIKE TO KNOW ALL THERE IS TO KNOW ABOUT YOU.
STOP, YOU'RE MAKING ME BLUSH, WHICH...
AFTER GROWING UP WITH HER, YOU'D THINK WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE.
YEAH. I ALSO WANTED TO SEE HOW YOU WERE...
UM, HOW YOU WERE DOING AFTER LAST NIGHT,
YOU KNOW, UH, AFTER MY BIG ANNOUNCEMENT:
"HI THERE. MY NAME'S BEN. I'M 33.
PISCES, LOVE THE OUTDOORS,
AND I'M HIV POSITIVE."
YOU KNOW, IT'S, UH...
I STILL HAVEN'T FIGURED OUT A WAY TO...
DROP THAT BOMB GRACEFULLY.
I HOPE I DIDN'T SEEM TOO THROWN.
IT'S JUST THE FIRST TIME IT'S COME UP
WITH SOMEONE THAT I'VE BEEN INTERESTED IN.
INTERESTED AS IN... AS IN STILL INTERESTED?
OKAY, WELL THAT'S GOOD.
SOME GUYS, YOU TELL THEM, THEY RUN FOR THE DOOR.
SO YOU'RE NOT... YOU'RE NOT FREAKED OUT.
PLEASE. RIGHT AFTER MY MOTHER TOLD ME I WAS GAY,
SHE GAVE ME THIS BIG SAFE SEX LECTURE.
I... I KNEW HOW TO PUT A CONDOM ON A CUCUMBER
BEFORE I KNEW HOW TO DRIVE.
YEAH, WELL... YEAH, I...
I WAS GONNA ASK YOU OUT TONIGHT, BUT...
NOW I'M NOT SO SURE.
WHY NOT? WELL...
MICHAEL, A CUCUMBER IS A LOT TO LIVE UP TO.
Both: [ Laughing ]
WHAT D'YA SAY, DOC? SHE GONNA LIVE?
YOU GOT GRIEF IN THE GEARBOX, BABY,
JUST LIKE MY LOVE LIFE.
SO HOW MUCH ARE WE LOOKING AT?
OOH, IT AIN'T GONNA BE CHEAP.
AH, SHIT!
LANGUAGE.
YOU WANT TO TURN OUR GUS INTO A TRASH-MOUTH?
LIKE MOMMY, LIKE SON.
[ Chuckle ] MMMM.
LEDA SAYS WE'RE LOOKING AT SOME MAJOR REPAIRS.
OH, NO!
JUST WHEN WE ALMOST HAVE ENOUGH SAVED FOR THE WEDDING.
GUESS WE'LL JUST HAVE TO CUT A FEW CORNERS,
LIKE PRINTING UP OUR OWN INVITATIONS ON THE COMPUTER.
I AM NOT HAVING SOME TACKY ANNOUNCEMENTS.
FINE. WE CAN WALK TO THE CEREMONY.
THERE MUST BE SOME OTHER WAY. FORGET MY MOM.
THE EARLY-BIRD SPECIAL WAS HATCHED IN HER HONOUR.
WHAT ABOUT YOUR FOLKS?
HUH! WHAT, "HUH"?
HONEY, YOU'RE A DYKE, YOU'RE MARRYING A JEW,
AND YOU'RE A REGISTERED DEMOCRAT. NEED I SAY MORE?
I'LL BRING IT UP AT DINNER TONIGHT.
I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T WANT TO GO.
NOW WE HAVE A REASON TO.
I DON'T WANT YOU BEGGING THEM FOR MONEY.
I'M NOT BEGGING.
THEY PAID FOR ALL THREE OF MY SISTER'S WEDDINGS.
THEY CAN FUCKING WELL CHIP IN FOR OURS.
LANGUAGE. LANGUAGE.
SO ANYONE UP FOR BABYLON TONIGHT?
I CAN'T. I GOT... I GOTTA DO INVENTORY.
I THOUGHT INVENTORY WAS THE LAST WEEK OF THE MONTH.
IT IS WHEN YOU HAVE A BUSINESS THAT'S ON ITS FEET, BUT YOU KNOW,
UH, WHEN YOU'RE JUST STARTING OUT... ALL RIGHT,
SO, WHO IS HE? WHO IS HE?
WHO IS HE? NOBODY. OW!
I BET IT'S THAT TEACHER.
[ Scoffing ]
HE... HE'S A PROFESSOR,
NOT A TEACHER. OH-HO. AH.
THE PROFESSOR.
SO, WHAT DOES THAT MAKE YOU, MARY ANN OR GINGER?
SO WHEN DO WE GET TO MEET HIM? NEVER!
WHY? IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIM?
SOMETHING WRONG WITHYOU.
I WOULD LIKE THIS ONE TO LIVE,
BEFORE MY BEST FRIENDS DEVOUR HIM.
Man: HEY, YOU'RE FETCH DIXON, AREN'T YOU?
UH, YES. YEAH. YES, UH, YES I AM.
I'M A... I'M A HUGE FAN.
NOT AS HUGE AS YOU, BUT...
Ted, Brian & Michael: [ Mocking laughter ]
WHY, THANK YOU. THAT... THAT... THAT'S SO NICE.
COULD I... SEE IT?
YOU KNOW, JUST... FOR A SECOND?
Brian: SHOW HIM.
ALL RIGHT... NO, NO, NO, NO.
I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.
LOOK, IF YOU WANT TO SAMPLE THE MERCHANDISE,
YOU HAVE TO SIGN ON TO JERKATWORK.NET.
SORRY.
THAT'S THE THIRD TIME TODAY.
Ted: WELL, YOU BETTER GET USED TO IT.
EMMETT'S A STAR.
HIS DICK'S A STAR.
HE'S JUST THE LIFE- SUPPORT SYSTEM.
CAREFUL, HE'LL GET A SWELLED HEAD.
HEY, SAVE IT FOR THE WEBSITE.
WILL YOU ALL JUST STOP?
I'M NOT A STAR.
I'M STILL LITTLE OLD ME,
YOU KNOW, PLAIN OLD COUNTRY-BOY FROM MISSISSIPPI,
GIVING MY FRIEND TEDDY A HELPING HAND.
Ted & Brian: [ Snickering ]
AND THE WAY LYNNETTE'S BEEN HINTING,
I THINK I MIGHT BE A GRAND- MOTHER SOON.
YOU ALREADY ARE...
IN CASE YOU'VE FORGOTTEN.
I KNOW, DEAR.
Waiter: THERE YOU ARE. MM, THANK YOU.
UH, MRS. PETERSEN,
THAT NECKLACE IS SO LOVELY.
IS THAT RED CORAL FROM BALI?
WHY YES. HAVE YOU BEEN?
NO. NO, ACTUALLY,
MY AUNT DOTTY OWNS A JEWELRY STORE.
LYNNETTE BOUGHT IT FOR ME ON ONE OF HER HONEYMOONS.
DON'T ASK WHICH. [ Chuckle ]
WE DECIDED TO SKIP OUR HONEY- MOON FOR NOW,
YOU KNOW, CONSIDERING ALL THE EXPENSES?
WE'RE OUT OF ROLLS.
CAN WE GET SOME ROLLS HERE, PLEASE?
Mrs. Petersen: WE SHOULD HAVE TRIED CHEZ DENIS
OVER ON THE RIVER.
DUNCAN TOOK LYNNETTE THERE ON SATURDAY.
HAD A LOVELY MEAL.
WE'RE THINKING OF HAVING THEM CATER OUR RECEPTION.
AREN'T THEY EXPENSIVE?
WELL, NO MORE THAN THE ONE LYNNETTE USED...
ALL THREE TIMES.
YOU GOT TO ADMIT, SHE'S CONSISTENT.
AND BESIDES, GETTING MARRIED THESE DAYS
IS AN EXPENSIVE PROPOSITION, NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO.
THAT'S WHY WE WERE HOPING THAT...
YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO HELP US OUT A LITTLE.
IF YOU SEE THE WAITER, COULD YOU ASK HIM FOR SOME BUTTER?
I MEAN, WE'RE HANDLING IT ALL BY OURSELVES, BUT...
WE COULD USE SOME ASSISTANCE,
NO MATTER HOW SMALL.
ANYTHING WOULD BE HELPFUL.
HONEY...
YOU HELPED LYNNETTE WITH HER WEDDING.
THAT'S DIFFERENT.
WHY IS IT DIFFERENT?
BECAUSE HER WEDDING WAS REAL.
YOURS IS...
WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOURS IS.
Mrs. Petersen: HOW'S YOUR STEAK, DEAR?
Mr. Petersen: JUST GREAT.
Ben & Michael: [ Chuckling ]
IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I MADE OUT IN THE PARK.
WELL, STICK WITH ME AND MAYBE YOU'LL GET LUCKY.
AH, REALLY?
I FINISHED YOUR BOOK.
OH YEAH? "SO HOW... HOW'D YOU LIKE IT,"
THE INSECURE WRITER ASKED, TRYING DESPERATELY TO SOUND NONCHALANT.
I DIDN'T.
I LOVED IT.
YOU... [ Chuckling ]
ESPECIALLY THAT PART WHERE THE CUSTOMS OFFICIALS IN THAILAND
CONFISCATED YOUR HIV MEDS. OH, YEAH.
THAT WAS ONE OF THE WORST DAYS OF MY LIFE.
BUT, AS THEY SAY, OUT OF ADVERSITY,
YOU KNOW, COMES KNOWLEDGE, AND...
I'VE LEARNED TO PUT MY FEARS ASIDE, AND JUST...
FIND SERENITY IN THE CHAOS.
I WISH I COULD DO THAT.
I DO JUST THE OPPOSITE.
I COULD FIND CHAOS IN SERENITY
WITH MY EYES CLOSED. [ Chuckling ]
I THINK THAT THE SECRET IS TO STOP REGRETTING THE PAST
AND FEARING THE FUTURE,
AND... JUST LIVE IN THE NOW.
SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING MY MOM WOULD SAY.
SHE ALWAYS SAYS, "IF YOU'VE GOT ONE FOOT IN TOMORROW
AND ONE FOOT IN YESTERDAY, YOU'LL PISS ON TODAY."
[ Laugh ] ACTUALLY SHE SAYS "SHIT"
BUT I WANT... I WANTED TO CLEAN IT UP A LITTLE.
YEAH, ACTUALLY, YOUR MOM AND BUDDHA HAVE A LOT IN COMMON.
WHAT, JENNY CRAIG DROPOUTS?
NO. NO, UM...
HE TEACHES YOU TO...
FOCUS ON THE SMALLEST DETAILS.
YOU KNOW, THE... BREEZE AGAINST YOUR CHEEK...
THE WAY YOUR SHIRT FALLS AGAINST YOUR BODY...
THE FEEL OF SOMEONE'S HAND ON YOUR BACK...
HELPS YOU REALIZE THAT...
RIGHT NOW, THIS MOMENT IS...
IT'S ALL THERE IS.
WELL, IF THAT'S TRUE, THEN...
WE SHOULD PROBABLY TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT.
YEAH.
[ Mixed chatter ]
COME ON.
WHERE ARE WE GOING?
TO EXPERIENCE THE NOW.
[ ?????? ]
Ted: YEAH, I'VE JUST... I'VE GOT AN EYE FOR THIS KIND OF THING
AND I CAN TELL YOU'VE GOT TALENT...
BIG, BIG TALENT, SO...
IF YOU EVER WANT TO EARN SOME EXTRA CASH,
IN YOUR SPARE TIME, JUST, UH...
GIMME A CALL.
WE'LL SET UP AN AUDITION.
OKAY. GOOD.
THANKS, MAN. THANKS.
Brian: HEY, PORN KING,
WHY DON'T YOU INTRO- DUCE ME TO SOME OF YOUR NEW FRIENDS?
ANY TIME, BRI.
IS THAT A ROLEX?
YOU BET IT IS.
ALL THOSE YEARS, SEEING THOSE WEALTHY CLIENTS COME IN
WITH THEIR BIG CARS AND THEIR FANCY JEWELRY,
AND THERE I WAS, THIS DUMB JERK IN A CUBICLE,
HUNCHED OVER A COMPUTER MAK- ING THEM RICH.
NOW IT'S MY TURN.
Man 1: HEY, THERE'S FETCH.
Man 2: HEY, HON. YOU'RE SO HOT, FETCH.
OOOH. OKAY. [ Chuckle ] HI, FETCH.
ALL RIGHT. EASY.
HEY, FETCH. BOYS, THERE'S... THERE'S...
THERE'S MORE THAN ENOUGH OF ME TO GO AROUND FOR EVERYONE.
HI. [ Chuckle ]
WHOO! [ Chuckle ]
ULTIMATELY IT'S ALL SO EMPTY.
YOU KNOW, AT THE END OF THE NIGHT, YOU STILL GO HOME ALONE.
BUT NOT TONIGHT.
HEY, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. HOLD IT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?
YOU HAVE A MATINEE TOMORROW.
SO? SO YOU NEED TO CONSERVE YOUR STRENGTH.
AND NO MORE DRINKING AND EATING PEANUTS.
YOU'LL GAIN WEIGHT. NOW...
GO HOME. GET SOME SLEEP.
THAT'S AN ORDER.
HI. HOW'S IT GOING?
I'M TED SCHMIDT.
I OWN JERKATWORK.NET.
I'VE GOT AN EYE FOR THIS KIND OF THING
AND I CAN TELL YOU'VE GOT BIG...
SO MR. PRODUCER GETS TO GO HOME WITH THE HOTTIE,
AND THE POOR LITTLE STAR HAS TO GO HOME ALONE?
WELL, HE...
HE'S RIGHT. I...
I NEED TO CONSERVE MY STRENGTH.
WELL, LET ME SEE YOUR WRIST.
THAT'S A STUNNING WATCH YOU'RE WEARING.
I'M NOT WEARING A WATCH.
WOW, EMMETT, YOU'RE REALLY OBSERVANT.
HE'S GOT A ROLEX.
AND YOU BETTER HURRY HOME.
A STAR NEEDS HIS BEAUTY REST.
[ ?????? ]
I THOUGHT WHEN YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO EXPERIENCE THE NOW,
YOU MEANT SOME- THING SPIRITUAL. I DID.
THIS TRIBE I VISITED IN NEW GUINEA
WOULD DANCE UNTIL THEY COLLAPSED.
IT'S HOW THEY FREED THEMSELVES FROM THEIR BODIES, FROM TIME.
LOOKED JUST LIKE THIS,
UH, EXCEPT FOR THE LIGHT SHOW,
BUT, UH, THEN THEY HAD SHOOTING STARS.
[ ?????? ]
THERE'S MICHAEL WITH SOME HOTTIE.
Ted: HEY, MICHAEL.
OVER HERE.
OH-OH.
WE'VE BEEN SPOTTED.
I SHOULD WARN YOU, MY FRIENDS CAN BE A LITTLE...
WHAT? JUDGMENTAL?
UH, VICIOUS? CONDESCENDING?
SO YOU'VE MET THEM? [ Laughing ]
Michael: BEN, THIS IS...
TED, JUSTIN AND BRIAN.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
THOUGHT YOU WERE TAKING INVENTORY.
I WAS.
YOU LOOK AWFULLY FAMILIAR. UH, DID YOU GO TO PENN?
Ben: UH, YALE UNDERGRAD,
UH, THEN IOWA FOR THE CREATIVE WRITING PROGRAMME.
BEN WROTE A BOOK CALLED "R-U-1-2".
[ Snapping of fingers ] YEAH, THAT'S WHERE I RECOGNIZED YOU FROM.
I SAW YOUR INTERVIEW IN "THE ADVOCATE".
I RAN RIGHT OUT AND BOUGHT IT.
OH, REALLY? SO YOU WERE THE ONE.
Both: [ Laughing ]
COME ON. IT WAS... YOU GOT GREAT REVIEWS.
I MEAN, IT WAS SO HONEST, SO...
FORTHRIGHT. IT WAS SO, UH...
SO REVEALING.
YEAH, WELL THAT'S... THAT'S WHAT WRITERS DO, YOU KNOW.
WE JUST, UH, CUT OURSELVES OPEN AND...
AND BLEED ALL OVER THE PAGE.
I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO DANCE.
SEE YOU, GUYS.
HE'S REALLY HOT.
HE'S ALL RIGHT.
Ted: LOOKS, BRAINS.
HE'S A NICE GUY TOO.
I'D SAY HE'S PERFECT EXCEPT FOR ONE THING.
HE'S POSITIVE.
[ ?????? ]
[ Mixed chatter ]
I GOT YOU A CROISSANT.
I DON'T WANT A CROISSANT.
YOU LOVE CROISSANTS.
I SAID I DON'T WANT ONE, OKAY? SO DROP IT.
[ Dropping of croissant ]
I DIDN'T MEAN LITERALLY.
I WISH YOU'D DROP IT TOO, THIS CHARMING MOOD.
I CAN'T HELP IT.
OH, I SHOULD NEVER HAVE ASKED THEM.
SO YOU DID. THEY SAID NO.
NOW IT'S OVER.
COME ON. LET'S GO LOOK AT WEDDING CAKES.
WHAT FOR? WE CAN'T AFFORD ONE.
MAYBE IF WE'RE CAREFUL, WE CAN SAVE UP ENOUGH FOR A DING DONG.
LOOK, WE'LL FIND THE MONEY TO PAY FOR IT.
IT'S NOT ABOUT THE MONEY.
[ Heavy sigh ]
IT'S ABOUT... LOVE?
YOU WANT THEM TO SHOW YOU THE SAME ATTENTION
THEY SHOW LYNNETTE.
MAYBE WE HAVE TO PUT FORTH MORE OF AN EFFORT.
WE'VE NEVER REALLY ASKED THEM OVER TO...
SEE HOW WE LIVE, MEET OUR FRIENDS...
WHICH MAKES US JUST A GUILTY AS THEY ARE.
SO, WHAT DO WE DO?
INVITE THEM OVER. THROW A LITTLE PARTY.
[ Chuckle of disbelief ] YOU'RE SERIOUS.
IF THEY COULD SEE THAT WE'RE A REAL FAMILY
WITH A REAL LIFE JUST LIKE YOUR SISTER,
THEY MIGHT FEEL DIFFERENTLY.
HEY, IT'S AT LEAST WORTH A SHOT.
COME ON.
MAY I SHOW YOU SOMETHING?
YEAH. WE'D LIKE TO LOOK AT WEDDING CAKES.
OH, LOVELY. THEY'RE...
Michael: "I'M POSITIVE."
IT WAS THE FIRST THING OUT OF HIS MOUTH.
AFTER YOUR DICK.
IT'S COMMENDABLE THAT HE TOLD YOU,
BUT IT STILL DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT
THAT YOU'RE PLAY- ING WITH FIRE.
I MEAN, WHAT HAPPENS IF A CONDOM BREAKS,
OR HE'S FLOSSING HIS TEETH AND HIS GUMS BLEED.
OR IF HE SHOOTS HIS LOAD
AND YOU'RE BENDING OVER TO TIE YOUR SHOE
AND IT ACCIDENTALLY FLIES UP YOUR ASS.
[ Chuckling ] JESUS CHRIST, BRIAN,
DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE A FUCKING JOKE OUT OF EVERYTHING?
EVEN YOUR BEST FRIEND'S SAFETY?
I KNOW HOW TO BE SAFE.
NO, YOU THINK YOU DO.
WE ALL DO.
IT'S MORE THAN JUST BEING CAREFUL.
IT'S KNOWING THAT YOU'RE LIV- ING WITH DEATH,
KNOWING THAT BEN HAS SOMETHING INSIDE HIM THAT COULD KILL HIM,
AND IF YOU HAVE JUST ONE LITTLE FUCK-UP,
ONE MOMENT OF FORGETFULNESS, JUST ONE MISTAKE,
IT COULD KILL YOU TOO.
I THINK YOU'RE BEING A LITTLE DRAMATIC, TEDDY.
[ Snorting ] THERE ARE PLENTY OF GUYS
WHO HAVE BOYFRIENDS WHO ARE POSITIVE.
WELL, THOSE PEOPLE AREN'T MICHAEL.
AND YOU WEREN'T SO FUCKING NONCHALANT
WHEN YOU THOUGHT YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN INFECTED.
Michael: LOOK, I APPRECIATE YOUR CONCERN,
BUT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT BEN LIKE HE'S A DISEASE
AND NOT A PERSON.
AND IF YOU WERE SEEING SOMEONE THAT YOU CARED ABOUT
WHO WAS POSITIVE, I THINK YOU'D FEEL DIFFERENTLY.
NO, I'M SORRY. I... I KNOW IT'S NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT
OR EVEN NICE, BUT NO, I WOULDN'T DO IT
NO MATTER HOW MUCH I LIKED THE GUY.
WOULDN'T DO WHAT, HONEY?
DATE SOMEONE WHO'S POSITIVE.
WELL THAT'S A HELL OF AN ATTITUDE.
AND I'VE GOTTA SAY I'M KINDA SURPRISED HEARING IT FROM ONE OF YOU,
CONSIDERING ALL THE GUYS YOU FUCK.
YEAH, NUMBERS MAY VARY FROM PERSON TO PERSON.
Debbie: I MEAN, ONE OF YOU COULD BE POSITIVE.
THE REASON YOU'RE NOT CERTAINLY ISN'T BECAUSE YOU'RE ALWAYSCAREFUL.
Debbie: I KNOW GODDAMN WELL THAT ISN'T TRUE.
YOU'RE LUCKY.
YOU'RE FUCKING LUCKY.
SO DON'T TELL ME YOU COULDN'T LOVE SOMEBODY
JUST BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT AS FORTUNATE AS YOU ARE.
IT'S ALL THE MORE REASON TO, IF YOU ASK ME.
THANK YOU, MOTHER.
WHAT FOR, HONEY?
BEN'S POSITIVE.
SO, CAN I GET YOU GUYS ANYTHING ELSE?
MM-MM. THANKS.
YOU'RE ON IN FIVE MINUTES. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
OH, UM...
PREPARING...
A LIST.
WELL, YOU CAN DO YOUR GROCERY SHOP- PING LATER, OKAY?
IT'S, UH, IT'S NOT THAT KIND OF LIST.
[ Sigh of exasperation ]
"PRIVATE DRESSING ROOM WITH TOILET,
ROTATING BED,
10% OF GROSS PROFIT". WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?
UH, THEY'RE... THEY'RE CALLED ARTIST'S DEMANDS.
"LUBE"? WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE LUBE?
THAT GREASE IS SO CHEAP,
YOU COULD FRY CHICKEN IN IT.
THIS IS A JOKE, RIGHT?
IF IT IS, I FAIL TO SEE THE HUMOUR.
OH, UM, DON'T, UH, DON'T FORGET THAT ONE.
KIND OF MY FAVOURITE.
YOUR NAME OVER THE BED.
WELL, I... AM THE STAR.
THE STAR GETS TOP BILLING.
I WAS THINKING OF USING JUST "FETCH".
YOU KNOW, LIKE CHER.
ALL, UH, ALL DONE UP, TWINKLY LIGHTS,
SO, UH, SO MY FRIENDS CAN SEE IT
WHEN YOU PULL BACK FOR A LONG SHOT.
WELL, EXCUSE ME, CHER, BUT, UH,
THERE'S ONLY ONE LONG SHOT YOUR FANS ARE INTERESTED IN,
SO COME ON. [ Snapping of fingers ]
LESS YAK AND MORE JACK.
WHAT ABOUT MY DEMANDS? [ Scoffing ]
YOU MEAN THESE?
LOOK...
EMMETT...
IF IT WEREN'T FOR ME,
YOU'D STILL BE MOONLIGHTING AS A NAKED MAID,
"BUFFING IN THE BUFF" TRYING TO PICK UP A FEW EXTRA BUCKS, OKAY?
YEAH, AND, UH, AND IF IT WEREN'T FOR ME,
YOU'D STILL BE A PENCIL-PUSHER
PULLING YOUR PUD.
OH, SO I OWE ALL THIS TO YOU?
HMMM. DIFFICULT QUESTION. LET ME THINK.
YES!
I CAN REPLACE YOU WHENEVER I WANT.
THEN WE'LL SEE HOW QUICKLY YOUR FANS FORGET.
REALLY? REALLY.
DICKS LIKE YOU...
DIME A DOZEN.
WELL, I TELL YOU WHAT.
YOU FIND SOME TWINKY WITH A DINKY,
AND SEE HOW FAR YOU GET.
OH, AND WHEN YOU DO,
GIVE HIM THIS.
HE'S GOING TO NEED IT.
LAST TIME I SAW YOU CLEANING THETCHOTCKES
WAS WHEN MICHAEL MOVED AWAY WITH DAVID.
I'M JUST SICK OF SEEING THIS PLACE LIKE A GODDAMNED PIGSTY.
THAT'S ALL.
WOULD YOU STOP WINDEXING FOR HALF A SECOND
AND TALK TO ME?
I CAN'T.
WHY NOT?
IT'S PERSONAL.
WHAT COULD BE PERSONAL AFTER YOU'VE WIPED MY ASS?
YOU HAVEN'T WIPED MINE.
YOU'VE ALREADY CLEANED THAT CLOWN... LEAVE ME ALONE!
SHIT!
NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE.
[ Heavy sigh ]
I'M SORRY.
SIS. SIS... GET AWAY.
THIS NEW GUY...
THAT MICHAEL'S DATING, THIS, UM...
THIS BEN...
HE'S POSITIVE.
OH.
SO?
SO...
I DON'T WANT HIM DATING ANYONE WHO'S SICK.
WHO SAID HE'S SICK?
I KNEW I COULDN'T TALK TO YOU ABOUT IT.
SO NEGATIVE PEOPLE SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO DATE POSITIVE PEOPLE,
IS THAT IT? DON'T TWIST MY WORDS.
THEN WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
HE'S MY SON.
I DON'T WANT HIM GETTIN' ANYTHING.
I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY THIS...
BUT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE,
I WISH MY SON WASN'T GAY.
Vic: YOU DON'T MEAN THAT.
Debbie: NOT IF IT MEANS I HAVE TO WATCH HIM PUKING,
AND SHITTING AND WASTING AWAY TO NOTHING.
Vic: I CAN'T LISTEN
TO ANY MORE OF THIS.
DO YOU THINK I WANT MICHAEL TO END UP LIKE YOU?
JEEZ.
OH, SHIT!
MICHAEL.
I'M JUST GETTING SOME STUFF AND THEN I'M OUT OF HERE.
HONEY...
LOOK, MICHAEL, SWEETHEART...
HOW COULD YOU TALK THAT WAY TO UNCLE VIC?
YOU REALLY HURT HIM.
PEOPLE SAY A LOT OF THINGS WHEN THEY'RE UPSET.
AND I'M UPSET. I'M VERY FUCK- ING UPSET.
AND, UH, AND HOW LONG WERE YOU GONNA WAIT
BEFORE YOU TOLD ME ABOUT BEN?
I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D CARE,
ESPECIALLY AFTER ALL NOBLE SENTIMENTS AND HASH BROWNS
YOU WERE DISHING OUT AT THE DINER.
ALL RIGHT.
I'M GONNA MAKE YOU VERY, VERY HAPPY.
YOU ALWAYS WANTED A NORMAL MOTHER?
OKAY, YOU GOT ONE.
I DON'T WANT YOU DATING THAT GUY.
I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU WANT.
AND DON'T TELL ME WHO TO DATE. I'M 30 YEARS OLD.
WHO I DATE, AND WHAT I DO,
IS NONE OF YOUR GOD- DAMN FUCKING BUSINESS.
[ Thud of footsteps ]
Justin: WE'RE REALLY LUCKY.
WHAT? LIVING IN THIS LAND OF PLENTY?
HMMM. ROLL OVER.
EVERY TIME MICHAEL AND BEN HAVE SEX,
THINK OF ALL THAT THEY HAVE TO DEAL WITH.
IT'S MICHAEL'S DECISION.
IS THAT A PIMPLE ON YOUR ASS?
WHERE? RIGHT THERE.
SHUT UP.
NO MATTER HOW LONG THEY'RE TOGETHER,
EVEN IF IT'S FOREVER,
THEY CAN NEVER DO IT RAW.
UM... NEITHER HAVE WE.
YEAH, BUT WE COULD...
IF WE WANTED.
I MEAN...
WE'RE BOTH NEGATIVE.
YOU WANT ME TO FUCK YOU BAREBACK?
YES.
COME INSIDE YOUR TIGHT LITTLE ASS?
DO IT.
FUCK ME.
FUCK... YOURSELF.
WHAT? YOU STUPID LITTLE TWAT.
NEVER LET ANYONE FUCK YOU WITHOUT A CONDOM.
YOU'RE NOT JUST ANYONE.
YEAH, I'M SURE THAT'S WHAT BEN THOUGHT
ABOUT THE GUY WHO INFECTED HIM.
PUT IT ON ME.
HMM.
HMM!
Both: [ Gasps of pleasure ]
I WANT YOU SAFE.
AND I WANT YOU AROUND FOR A LONG TIME.
[ Sighing ]
[ Mixed chatter ]
Lindsay: OKAY. THE TEA SERVICE IS POLISHED,
THE FLOWERS ARE ALL ARRANGED.
THOSE VEGETARIAN ROLL-UPS LOOK SCRUMPTIOUS. HUH.
HOW DO I LOOK?
LIKE A FUCKING NUN.
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR TITS?
Leda: WHO KNEW MY YEAR WORKING IN A PIERCING SALON
WOULD COME IN SO HANDY.
[ Ringing of doorbell ] THAT'S TASHA AND HER HARP.
Woman: SOMEBODY GET THE DOOR.
I WAS HOPING YOU WERE THE HARP.
[ Scoffing ] I'M INTO FUCKING NOT PLUCKING.
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR TITS?
HEY, SONNY-BOY, YOUR OLD MAN'S HERE TO RESCUE YOU.
HI,
I'M LEDA.
AH, MELANIE'S EVIL EX.
AND YOU MUST BE THE ANTI-CHRIST.
BIG FAN.
OH, DON'T BOTHER,
IT'S A VIRGIN.
Lindsay: THE SITTER'S COMING FOR GUS THIS AFTERNOON.
TAKE HIM TO THE PARK.
BE CAREFUL ON THE SWINGS. DON'T GET HIM DIRTY.
BE BACK BY 2:00.
AND, WEAR SOME- THING... NICE.
ANYTHING ELSE? SHAVE.
MY BALLS ARE AS CLEAN AS A WHISTLE.
[ Ringing of telephone ]
TASHA, FINALLY.
LEDA, CAN YOU SHOW HER WHERE TO PUT IT?
[ Chuckling ]
IT'S TOO EASY.
WE'RE TRYING TO MAKE LINDSAY'S PARENTS FEEL AT HOME.
WELL, YOU SHOULD HAVE RENTED CASKETS.
I SAY WE GREET 'EM WEARING STRAP-ONS.
EVER BEEN FUCKED BY A DYKE WITH A DILDO?
IS THAT AN OFFER? [ Chuckle ]
THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT TO LINDSAY,
SO COULD BOTH OF YOU KEEP YOUR FUCKING, FOUL MOUTHS SHUT?
THEY'RE NOT COMING.
ARE WE SURPRISED?
MOM SAID DADDY SLIPPED A DISC AND...
HE'LL BE ON HIS BACK FOR DAYS.
WELL, THAT I'D LIKE TO SEE.
SHUT UP, BRIAN.
[ Giggle ]
[ Closing of door ]
IT WAS LIKE AN EPISODE OF THE "TWILIGHT ZONE".
HUH. MY FAVOURITE WAS THE ONE
WHERE YOU COULD TRADE IN YOUR OLD BODY
FOR A HOT, NEW ONE.
SHE ACTUALLY SAID SHE WISHED I WASN'T GAY.
WELL, I'LL ALWAYS BE GLAD YOU'RE A BIG, FAT QUEER.
YOU TWO MAKE A BEAUTIFUL COUPLE.
HEY, THERE.
AREN'T YOU SWEET?
HI, SWEETIE.
AND YOUR BABY LOOKS JUST LIKE YOU.
Woman: [ Chuckling ]
[ Mock chuckle ]
[ Laughing ] SO SWEET.
YOU KNOW, SHE'S RIGHT. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
THE BABY'S THE SPITTING IMAGE OF YOU.
I MEAN DEBBIE.
YOU SHOULD FORGET BEN.
[ Heavy sigh ]
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW? WELL, LET'S SEE.
I KNOW ADVERTISING,
AND I KNOW YOU.
THOSE ADS YOU SEE FOR THE COCKTAILS
WITH THE GREAT- LOOKING GUYS
SKIING AND MOUNTAIN-CLIMBING,
LIKE ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS POP A LITTLE PROTEASE INHIBITOR,
AND YOU TOO CAN HAVE THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE.
WELL, IT'S JUST...
KIND OF TOUGH DOWNHILL RACING
WHEN YOU'VE GOT NON-STOP DIARRHEA.
I CAN HANDLE IT. WELL...
THEN HANDLE IT.
KISS IT. JERK IT OFF. JUST...
DON'T FALL IN LOVE WITH IT.
MRS. PETERSEN? MELANIE.
WHAT A SURPRISE.
UNFORTUNATELY, I'M JUST ON MY WAY OUT.
Mr. Petersen: GEORGE, BARBARA, IS THAT YOU?
MR. PETERSEN.
I WAS EXPECTING...
SOMEONE ELSE?
CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR SPEEDY RECOVERY.
WELL, YOU KNOW HOW IT IS WITH THESE BACK THINGS.
ONE MINUTE YOU CAN'T STAND UP. THE NEXT MINUTE...
PLAYING MIXED DOUBLES.
THIS IS VERY AWKWARD.
[ Clearing of throat ] AWKWARD?
THAT YOU COULDN'T COME OVER TO OUR HOUSE FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS?
LINDSAY'S BEEN WORKING HER ASS OFF FOR YOU.
WOULD IT BE SO FUCKING HARD TO SHOW UP?
LANGUAGE. LANGUAGE.
YOUR EXCUSES ARE BULLSHIT.
ALL SHE WANTS FROM YOU
IS TO SHOW HER A LITTLE SUPPORT.
THE ONLY REASON YOU WANT US TO COME TO YOUR PARTY
IS SO THAT WE'LL WRITE YOU A CHEQUE.
NANCY, PLEASE.
WHY NOT ADMIT IT?
LOOK, I KNOW WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ME.
I'M THE SLICK JEW LAWYER
COME TO SHAKE YOU DOWN FOR A FEW SHEKELS.
THE DYKE WHO CORRUPTED YOUR DAUGHTER.
WELL, YOU'RE WRONG.
I'M LINDSAY'S LOVING PARTNER,
AND GUS' ADORING MOTHER.
AND I KNOW
THAT I WILL NEVER CAUSE HIM THE PAIN THAT YOU'VE CAUSED HER.
HE'LL NEVER HAVE TO WONDER WHETHER OR NOT I LOVE HIM.
ARE WE GONNA TALK?
OR ARE WE JUST GONNA RAKE THE WHOLE GODDAMN NEIGHBOURHOOD?
IF YOU WANT TO TALK, TALK.
YOU KNOW I DIDN'T MEAN WHAT I SAID...
WELL, FOR IT TO COME OUT THE WAY IT DID.
I'VE JUST HAD IT WITH THIS FUCKING DISEASE.
TELL ME ABOUT IT.
I KNOW, BABY.
I JUST CAN'T GO THROUGH IT AGAIN.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU'LL HAVE TO?
MICHAEL DOESN'T HAVE HIV. BEN DOES.
AND THERE'S NOTHING IN HIS LIFE THAT'S NOT GONNA BE AFFECTED BY IT,
INCLUDING MICHAEL.
AND WHAT AFFECTS MICHAEL, AFFECTS ME.
IT'S LIKE WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT MARRIAGE;
YOU DON'T JUST GET THEM. YOU GET THE WHOLE DAMN FAMILY.
YEAH, WELL I'M NOT SO CRAZY ABOUT THE IN-LAWS.
[ Chuckling ]
I MEAN, EVEN IF THEY HAVE SAFE SEX...
WHAT IF SOME- THING HAPPENS?
WHAT IF MICHAEL COMES TO US, AND HE SAYS, "I'VE GOT IT"?
WHAT DO WE DO?
FIRST WE'D DIE.
AND THEN WE'D DEAL WITH IT.
[ Chuckling ]
[ Clearing of throat ]
THIS PARTY SUCKS.
I PREFER TO THINK OF IT AS MELLOW.
I'M GOING TO GO UPSTAIRS AND SWALLOW A BOTTLE OF XANAX.
GOOD IDEA.
FUCKING FLOWERS ARE MAKING MY ALLERGIES GO BERSERK.
OH! WELL, GEE, THAT'S A GOOD REASON TO LEAVE.
AND LEAVE ME ALONE
WITH THE LADIES WHO MUNCH? NO WAY!
UH, WELL...
IN THAT CASE, I GUESS THERE'S ONLY ONE THING WE CAN DO.
YAY! [ Chuckling ]
YOU KNOW, I CAN HONESTLY SAY THERE IS, UH,
THERE'S NOT ONE THING HERE I'D PUT IN MY MOUTH.
THAT'S A FIRST.
EXCUSE ME?
THIS FOOD'S THE WORST.
OH, DID I... DID I TELL YOU, MICHAEL,
THAT I RECEIVED A, UH... A VERY...
VERY LUCRATIVE OFFER FROM COCKS'R'US.NET?
WHY NO, EMMETT, YOU DIDN'T.
DID I TELL YOU, MICHAEL, ABOUT MY NEW STAR?
DICK LONG.
NOT ONLY LIVES UP TO,
BUTSURPASSESHIS NAME.
YOU DON'T SAY.
YOU CAN TELL, UH, MR. SCHMIDT,
IF YOU HAPPEN TO SEE HIS WIZENED COUNTENANCE,
THAT HE STILL OWES ME MY LAST PALTRY PAYCHEQUE.
AND, UH, YOU CAN TELL MR. HONEYCUTT,
WHOSE ASS HAS MORE TREAD MARKS THAN A STEEL- BELTED RADIAL,
IF HE DOESN'T COME BY AND PICK UP HIS PERSONAL EFFECTS,
HIS DILDOES WILL BE DONATED TO CHARITY.
WHY DON'T YOU TELL EACH OTHER YOURSELVES?
AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, WHY DON'T YOU BOTH APOLOGIZE
FOR ACTING LIKE A COUPLE OF IDIOTS?
I'M THE ONE WHO CREATED HIM. YEAH.
HE WOULD BE OUT OF BUSINESS IF IT WEREN'T FOR ME.
YOU COULD SHOW A LITTLE GRATITUDE.
AND YOU COULD SHOW A LITTLE GENEROSITY.
AND YOU BOTH COULD SHOW A LITTLE MATURITY.
IT'S NONE OF YOUR GODDAMNED BUSINESS, WHO THE FUCK ASKED YOUR OPINION
ANYWAY? MICHAEL. JUST BUTT OUT.
[ Sniffling ]
[ Loud slurping ]
MMMM.
[ Knocking on door ]
ENJOYING THE VIEW?
HUH. GO AWAY.
MAKE ME.
YOUR PARTY REALLY SUCKS.
THAT'S ALREADY BEEN WELL ESTABLISHED,
IF YOU'VE BEEN PAYING ATTENTION.
YOU REALLY... GIVE A SHIT WHAT THEY THINK?
THEY'RE MY PARENTS, BRIAN.
I KNOW I SHOULDN'T CARE.
I SHOULDN'T LET IT HURT ME.
IT'S NOT MY JOB TO PLEASE THEM...
TO MAKE THEM HAPPY.
YOU REMEMBER...
WHAT'S HIS NAME, UM...
BILLY THE ASSHOLE'S BIRTHDAY PARTY IN JUNIOR YEAR?
WHEN REBECCA TUCCI DUMPED ME?
THOSE WERE THE DAYS.
JEEZ, IS THIS SUPPOSED TO CHEER ME UP?
[ Chuckle ] I WAS A WRECK.
NOT FOR LONG.
OH, THANKS TO YOU PUTTING "E" IN THE PUNCH,
SOME... LOOSE WOMEN AND...
THE B-52s. [ Giggling ]
WELL, THOSE WHO DON'T LEARN THEIR LESSONS,
ARE CONDEMNED TO REPEAT THEIR COURSES.
[ Muffled Rock ?????? ]
[ ?????? ]
Leda: THE BITCH IS BACK.
COME AND DANCE WITH ME, BABY.
Ted: CHECK THE SERVER?
DOUBLE CHECK THE CONNECTION...
[ ?????? ]
HOW DO YOU LIKE IT? [ Chuckling ]
Brian: DOES THAT OFFER STILL STAND?
Both: [ Laughing ]
[ Whooping ]
OH-HO-HO-HO.
[ ?????? ]
[ Opening/closing of door ]
MOM!
DADDY!
YOU CALL THIS BRUNCH?
HEY, HOW ABOUT SOME PUNCH?
MEL, NO.
UH, I THOUGHT YOU WEREN'T COMING.
WE CHANGED OUR MINDS.
OH. AND FROM THE LOOK OF THINGS,
WE SHOULDN'T HAVE.
HI.
WE'RE JUST HAV- ING SOME FUN.
YOU CALL THIS FUN?
WELL, IT MAY NOT BE YOUR IDEA OF FUN, BUT...
YES.
[ Sigh ]
EVERYONE, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY PARENTS...
[ Mixed greetings ]
THE GUESTS OF HONOUR.
Nancy: YOU NEEDN'T INTRODUCE US.
WE'RE NOT STAYING.
COME ON, RON.
YOU KNOW, THE WHOLE POINT OF THIS PARTY
WAS TO PROVE THAT WE'RE JUST LIKE YOU,
SO THAT YOU'D ACCEPT US,
THE WAY THAT I'VE TRIED TO ACCEPT YOU.
I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT I NEEDED TO BE ACCEPTED.
YOU'RE RIGHT, MOM, YOU DON'T.
NEITHER DO WE.
[ ?????? ]
All: [ Chuckling ]
[ ?????? ]
COME FOR MY PERSONAL EFFECTS.
I HAVE YOUR CHEQUE.
I'LL BE AS QUICK AS I CAN.
EMMETT, I... PLEASE,
LET'S JUST, UH...
LET'S NOT SAY ANYTHING MORE. WE'VE...
BOTH MADE OUR POSITIONS PAINFULLY CLEAR.
I, UH...
YOUR FANS ARE GOING TO MISS YOU.
WELL, I'M SURE DICK LONG WILL HELP THEM FORGET.
AH, WELL, ACTUALLY HE'S...
ONLY A DICK MEDIUM.
YOU'RE BY FAR MY BIGGEST ATTRACTION.
AND I... I SUPPOSE I DO...
OWE MY FAME... SUCH AS IT IS...
AND MY FORTUNE, SUCH AS IT ISN'T...
TO YOU.
FIVE PER CENT.
THAT'S A VERY, UH, GENEROUS OFFER...
TEDDY, BUT, UM...
IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT THE MONEY. I MEAN, FOR ME,
I-IT'S ALWAYS BEEN ABOUT THE ART.
THE FINEST LUBRICANT...
WATER SOLUBLE...
HEATED TO 98.6 DEGREES.
I... I APPRECIATE THE GESTURE, BUT...
[ ?????? ]
I'M SO SORRY I UNDERESTIMATED YOU.
YOU'RE MORE THAN JUST AN ENORMOUS DICK.
YOU'RE MY FRIEND.
AND YOU'RE MINE.
OOOH!
SO, WHAT DO YOU SAY?
I'M READY FOR MY CLOSE-UP, MR. SCHMIDT.
[ ?????? ]
MMMM.
[ Panting ]
CONDOMS?
BATHROOM.
I'LL GET THEM. OKAY.
[ Panting ]
FIND THEM?
FOUND THEM.
I CAN'T DO THIS.
HERE. LET ME TRY.
NO, I MEAN I CAN'T...
I THOUGHT I COULD...
THAT I COULD HANDLE IT BUT...
I GUESS I WAS JUST FOOLING MYSELF.
I'M SORRY.
DON'T APOLOGIZE.
IT'S, UH, BETTER WE FIND OUT NOW...
BEFORE... BEFORE SOMEONE GETS HURT.
[ Opening of cabinet door ]
[ Dropping of box ]
[ Departing footsteps ]
[ Rustling of clothes ]
[ Zipping of jacket ]
[ Opening/closing of door ]
[ Stopping of bus ]
[ Revving of bus engine ]